You Noobs Got Owned!

Last night was just like any other night. A few people took the approach that they were someone important who was going to get me banned from xbox live. One in particular stood out as especially comical. The threats were funny enough, but the delivery of his message was so half assed. He stumbled over every word like the drunken clown at your 12th birthday party.

He starts out OK (mp3)

He Gets Angry and the threats start! (mp3)

Now he back peddles, but the stammering continues (mp3)

I picked on the wrong gamertag (mp3)

His gamertag is famous (mp3)

If you listened to all these messages, I’m sure you are laughing as hard as I was at this point. He claimed his gamertag was famous but a google search returned a grand total of ZERO results… WELL, Lizard boy, you’re Famous now. This probably wasn’t what you had in mind though, was it.

By the way, I am still on xbox, so what is the delay? Did your boss laugh in your face just like the rest of us, or were you just full of shit as I predicted?

I almost forgot, his gamertag was (SHOT LIZARD).. be sure to send him a message telling him how funny he was.

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Here’s the game. They talked a lot of BS in the pre-game lobby and our 2 teammates quit which left us in yet another ‘4 vs. 2′ game. Now, they won of course.. I mean, even 4 Colonels should be able to beat 2 people, but the game was WAY closer than it should be.

Fast Forward to the end of the game, where we challenged the two wannabe gangsters to a ‘2 vs 2′ match. This is when the excuses started, along with the fake nervous laughter. They refused the challenge and I think we all know why.

• GoDz WoRsT FeaR (no one is afraid of you, loser)
• III QATAR III

Now, it’s too late and I’m too tired to go into all the ways that these 2 douchebags proved their ignorance.. so, let’s just say that their ebonics and wannabe thug attitude sealed their fate, and destined them to appear on our humble site.

UPDATE ~ The NOOB (III QATAR III) just jumped in my pre-game lobby to tell me why he couldn’t accept the challenge last night. It was.. and I quote “because my mom cut off my connection”. Thanks for the laugh. You would think a fake general would lie and come up with something more fitting of his gangster lifestyle. Maybe something like “I couldn’t play cuz I was smackin’ my bitches around”.

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This is just a quick note to reflect upon the sociological implications of violent video games.  I know that we’ve been spending a lot of time together, cultivating our intimate relationship, but lets not forget that your sons and daughters are at home playing video games with no adult supervision.  I know much has been said about the impact of these things on the fragile psyche of your little dummies, and I am generally of the impression that the kids can distinguish the real thing from entertainment.  But a comment from an anonymous coward has me revising the issue.

wow kid you are the biggest fucking faggot ive ever met…like you seriously spend this much time of your life making fun of kids that arent good at a video game??? Wow man you are one cool mother fucker. i read how your making a film clip of one kids bad sniping…wow man you are going far in life. ur a fucking queef and you need to get some friends besides your computer and boyfriend that fucks you in the ass. peace out man…suck my fat cock. oh and one more thing…if i ever find out your real name I AM finding where you live and no im not gonna kill you…ohhhh nooo dont you worry i wont kill you…im going to torcher the fuckin shit out of you til your bleeding out every fuckin inch of your body. actually lets go into detail about a few things i have in mind for you. alright when you wake up from being your face punched in youll find a pile of blood on your lap…which will have probably come from either your cut off eye lids, nose, or ears…i still havent decided. then youll freak out and that will piss me off even more which means your fingers will have to be cut off one by one and shoved up your already stretched out asshole from your boyfriend. only like three of them will fit so im just going to take a drill to your ass and make new holes for them to go in. k im not gonna tell you everything thats gonna happen to you cuz what fUn WoUlD ThAt BE??? i am gonna tell you that the grand finale will end up being something along the lines of your own dick in through your eyesocket and out your mouth so ya. Well you have a nice day and if I were you I would not post your name anywhere i can find because i AM a man of my word…

While I do appreciate the imagination, and the fact that the man honors his word, I am a little horrified by the simple grammatical and spelling errors represented here.  Has no one explained to the young man the use of an apostrophe (not a mathematical prime ‘, mind you, a single “9-quote” or ’) for contractions like I’m?  Has his poor single mom not taken the time to explain the difference between “your” and “you’re”?  Can he really believe that torture is spelled torcher?  Have you become so complacent with your language that you allow your children to abbreviate a four letter word like your into ur, saving a whopping two characters?

I know times are tough with the clubs raising your house fees to compensate for the rising fuel prices of your high-end champaigne room/limo dances.  But this isn’t excuse to let your little bastards sit on the couch all night playing violent games on Xbox Live and completely neglecting their English assigments.  When a young man cannot express himself with eloquent words, when he becomes so frustrated with his inability to render his sentiments, will he not resort to expressing himself with the violence in which he immerses himself every night?  Will he not become just like his absent father?

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SO, yesterday I mentioned a NOOB that couldn’t seem to stop running his mouth (KINGCIVIC) during a Snipers match on Valhalla. It was a bitter sweet game because IsntOffensive used it to test out his rig setup to record all the chatter that you morons flood our ears with during Matchmaking. This meant he wasn’t playing, but it all worked out because the big-red-shoe wearing clowns delivered some gold nuggets of stupidity.

We also had another horrible teammate (slimpickins123) who was basically worthless, which effectively made it a 4 vs. 2 game of Snipers. No problem though.. we came out blazing and held the lead for a while until they finally managed to surround our base and get us back on our heels a bit. Even this strategy didn’t last long, however. They were just too shitty!

All things considered, it ended up being a ridiculously close game.

Here’s a quick video of me owning the NOOB twice in about 15 seconds. If you check the stats on the game, you’ll see he did manage to kill me a few times, but the full video in my file share tells the whole story. He only managed to pull it off when I was facing one of his teammates. Whenever we were locked up ‘mano a mano’, he fell to his knees.

Honarable mention goes out to my teammate (S0NYSUX) for actually pulling his weight. It’s so rare to find someone who can keep his K/D spread north of -10. Unfortunately, he didn’t say a word the entire game. Could he have known we were recording..?? The rest of the players in the match sure as hell didn’t.

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Freshly cut, poorly mastered and graced by some of the idiots mentioned here.  This is the first of a weekly, semi-weekly, bi-monthly or whenever the fuck I feel like making one.  If you would stop being stupid, you would free up a lot of my time.

The Sound of Owning (Look At the Ratio) - Volume 1 .mp3

Unfortunately, since I’m recording this, you can’t hear the gorgeous timbre of my voice, or the enlightening pearls of wisdom that leak off my lips like cold sore scabs off of your mom (that wasn’t one of them).  I’ll be thinking about how we can make that happen, but in the meantime, give DarkRai a little credit.. he really isn’t this dumb sounding, you’re just hearing two sides of a three-way conversation.

We’re dedicating this joint to SquirrelBaits.  WTF?

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These are in no particular order. They’re just a bunch of idiots we ran into tonight. Some were a little stupid, and some were kicked off the short-bus for being behind the curve.

The Salamanator (actually thought Bill Gates was the one banning people from live)
Master Chul (too poor for a microphone)
calebcbr (generic moron)
Dunlup SY
DMitch3520 (owned on Valhalla)
xBCxCRIMINALx (serious mental issues) *probably should be institutionalized!
CHI TOWN B3A5T (fake General)
KINGCIVIC (my personal pick for dumbest)
YoDaddy CHAVEZ (close runner-up) *We’ll have an audio clip of this weirdo tomorrow
UF Geoff (if only mom would have listened to dad and aborted him)

If you run into any of these idiots on live, let them know they made our list.

I’m putting together a video of KINGCIVIC and his horrible sniping skills for tomorrow’s post. The poor sap thought he had skills, but couldn’t back it up. He actually thought the 2 kill victory in a 4 on 2 game had something to do with his performance.

I guess I should go easy on the kid, since he’s rolling around his hillbilly town in a ‘94 Civic… but I just can’t resist owning the NOOB!

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